i don't know what this is

You cooked chilli, I remember because it wouldn't settle and just sat in the pit of my stomach until I went and threw up in the bathroom. We only had Diet Coke in the fridge so I poured myself a glass. You watched crime dramas on TV and complained when I flicked during the adverts, even though you hate adverts and always made fun of them. The time on the computer got to reading 00:17 and you decided it was the perfect time to wash the pots. Then another one of your long rambling goodbyes that seem to end then start back up again, almost immediately. As I drained my glass I saw all the lint and fluff from the carpet sticking to the bottom, trapped by the condensation. It made me sick, like all that dirt could get into my throat and knot together in my stomach. I put down the glass. The light from the lamps didn't seem to reach all four corners and just reflected in the mirror. It was still too hot even with the heating off. I never liked to open the windows because it made the house seem less safe and as I thought that I got scared, and turned the volume up. My skin felt soft and malleable and natural yet faintly sticky, without make up on. I was sweaty with the heat of the whirring laptop and the lack of air and not moving. At 00:31 I shut down and went to bed.

Freya

They said you'd died.
Last Thursday.
Car crash - plain and simple
Among sunny beaches of Costa Rica.

And, I guess noone got it.
Yeah you were dead, but not dead dead.
Not really.
More asleep in tumbles of brown curls.

Messages of sadness and loss poured in.
'Rest In Peace' and 'sleep forever'.
Because sleep is utterly harmless.

Then you were a body.

Body.
The weight behind it like a truck
Struck with startling realisation.
Body with no air, no laughter
No whisper.
No movement, like the deepest ever sleep.

You are just a body now
And they'll bring you back next week.




For Freya
x

the new week

it has been a strange few weeks.
i have no idea what to do with life because i have messed up.
and though it seems fine it's really not, sitting next to the ugly mathematics building at Leeds Uni and wondering what this will all become.
and this is truly the end of all things, moving on and becoming great and learning curves to suit all tastes.

Unity Day - did some work for the Cadaverine Magazine tent, heard some lovely pieces from a girl whose name I didn't catch, she won the best poem prize and one poem in particular was just gorgeous.

I need to plan my life out and decide whether Australia is right for me or not, deep down I know it isn't but I think I need to try it out. No-one else does.
Oh what to do and how to spend my time

asking you was just an empty gesture so don't try to find meaning in it.
although you look good in a vest you're just not as imposing anymore.
just more and more shallow and cold.

i am writing a short story about AIDS
it's not the cheeriest subject but it might be.

septum piercing, i look like a bull
but it's tiny which is what i wanted.

this whole 'us against the world' thing is a pile of bullshit because you are not a love story you are infatuated and it's getting old.
so next year remember me.

accomodate accomodate

i am scared of people forgetting i am scared of people leaving i am terrified of people

i do not know what will happen tomorrow, next week or in any period of time between now and when i die.
this is not what bothers me.
what bothers me in the complicated intertwining existence of humans and the increasinlgy fragile bonds between social groups.
come together and separate like oil on water.
come together and never stick.

never put your trust in anyone because nothing is as ugly as a honest person, by their very nature.
but then again, can we even trust ourselves? are we any closer to understanding 'i' than we are to 'they'
probably not. of course not.

i saw Inception last week, how many people are now waiting for the pull to wake them up? wake up wake up it's time.

today i saw Toy Story 3 and cried like a baby.
i would have preferred it if they had stayed with andy, they spent the past ten years waiting in a box for andy to open up to them again.
they've travelled to pizza planet, sid's house, al's apartment, toy barn, sunnyside, bonnie's house and always gone back to elm street and in the end it was all for one big goodbye.
was it worth it at all for another smile and five minutes of imagination?
probably to them, to me it seemed far too sad.